HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
