Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
