Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
