I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
They took my balls.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
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