we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
