I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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