we're making bets on your personal life
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize