I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
