The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
