Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I looked at my own cervix.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize