I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
