I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
