Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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