i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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