Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
