Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
