Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
