he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
