Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
