dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
