This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
