i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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