was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
