Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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