I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Send help, water and tortillas.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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