I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just high enough for therapy.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
