dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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