Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
