WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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