At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize