Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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