Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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