the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
