He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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