shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
