my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
