Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize