I bet he comes in French.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
