we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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