..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize