I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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