I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
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