Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
that's an acceptable place to lick
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
