Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
