Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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