Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
