I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
