Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
