i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
