Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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