just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
