Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Did I show you my penis last night?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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