Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
