the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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