I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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