no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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