Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
