i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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