fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
