Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
