I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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