My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
