apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
